Quote of the day

We can alter the manner in which we reject others. Be honest and forthright about boundaries– do not apologize; you did nothing wrong; you are simply informing them that it is not working, which is perfectly fine. While this may sound harsh, it is preferable relatively to ghosting.

DMK

What about ghosting?

Ghosting is a comparatively modern dating slang phrase that refers to suddenly cutting off communication with someone without offering that person any notice or justification for doing so. A person being ghosted is met with silence even if they reach out and try to re-establish communication or resolve a conflict. Most of us associate it with the digital world: a friend or, worse, a lover failing to respond to a text. However, it can occur in any social setting and is deeply rooted in our worldview.

Even though ghosting has been around for a long time, modern technology is making it a more prominent strategy for ending relationships.  That is the commencement and growth of romantic and peer relationships for today’s cohorts are often facilitated by technology-mediated communication, such as texting, social media, and dating websites. Ghosting as a strategy of relationship termination then becomes merely the act of avoiding certain modes of communication with a particular individual.

“Ghosting, icing, and simmering are manifestations of the decline of empathy in our society — the promoting of one’s selfishness, without regard for the consequences of others.”

Psychotherapist, Esther Perel

According to psychologist Jennice Vilhauer, this ambiguity is the true dagger. She compares ghosting to emotional torture as a sort of silent treatment (the pain it causes can be treated with Tylenol, according to multiple studies). Dr. Vilhauer says she’s selective about whom she interacts with. From the outset, you’ll be able to tell what kind of person you’re dealing with. She went on to say that ghosting has a lot to do with someone’s behavior and how they deal with their emotions. Many people believe that expressing their feelings will lead to a confrontation. People avoid things that make them feel uncomfortable because of this mental anticipation. It’s easy to feel that you don’t have much responsibility if you ghost someone in the dating world, where individuals meet a lot of people they don’t know in their social circles. If you’re never going to see them again, it’s easy to do so because their friends don’t know your friends. Esther Perel, a psychologist and a pioneer in the field of contemporary relationships, describes “ghosting, icing, and simmering as manifestations of the decline of empathy in our society — the promoting of one’s selfishness, without regard for the consequences of others.”

The more dates you go on, the more it feels like a failure, and the more you become disheartened, especially for those seeking love in emotional echo chambers on the online platform. Dr. Freedman, who studies social rejection, notes that those with rigid destiny views are more likely to believe that persons in relationships are either destined to be together or not—that is, that individuals have soul mates—than those with malleable destiny beliefs. Growth beliefs are similar to growth mindsets in that they are based on the assumption that relationships develop over time. In other words, folks with more widespread growth views believe that relationships are changeable and can be improved through dialogue and overcoming relationship obstacles.

When a person is being ghosted, it can have an influence on the person’s mental health. Particularly if it’s the first time you’ve ever been ghosted, it feels almost like a sudden loss or bereavement. You’re stunned, and in denial, rationalizing that ‘maybe they didn’t read my text message.’ Then you experience fury– thinking ‘not only did the individual not want to date me, but I was also not deserving of an explanation’ can make someone feel dehumanized and undervalued. As you mentally analyze your relationship and your most recent conversation for probable warning signs, you may experience feelings of melancholy and anxiety, as well as feelings of low self-esteem. It’s frequently more painful when the relationship has been simmering for a while, although it may even feel this way if the connection was fresh.

In spite of the fact that it may not be what they want to hear, telling someone how you actually feel is beneficial. We can alter the manner in which we reject others. Be honest and forthright about boundaries, whether you’re going to a movie or committing the rest of your life with someone. Additionally, do not apologize; you did nothing wrong; you are simply informing them that it is not working, which is perfectly fine. It is not your fault that you are experiencing these emotions. While this may sound harsh, it is preferable relatively to be left in limbo. These messages are succinct, straightforward, and honest, and conclude with an outro to indicate that you do not wish to engage in a lengthy and drawn-out dialogue. While you may encounter a harsh or hurtful reaction from the other party, it is far preferable to depart the relationship after providing an explanation than to simply disappear.

However, there are undoubtedly exceptions—cases in which further communication is detrimental or even dangerous. There are instances where ghosting is the only viable choice, such as when the individual is married or in a relationship, engaging in illegal or unsavory activities, or exhibiting toxic behaviors and abuse. In such instances, you are not obligated to provide an explanation for unexpectedly terminating the connection. You should always trust your gut instincts if you are feeling uncomfortable or intimidated by someone in any way. Ghosting can be an effective form of self-protection and mental serenity. Your safety and mental health are of the utmost importance– take care of self.

References

Freedman, Gili, et al. “Ghosting and Destiny: Implicit Theories of Relationships Predict Beliefs about Ghosting.” Journal of Social and Personal Relationships, vol. 36, no. 3, Mar. 2019, pp. 905–924, doi:10.1177/0265407517748791.

Vilhauer, Jennice. “Speaking of Psychology: What to Do When You’ve Been Ghosted.” American Psychological Association, American Psychological Association, https://www.apa.org/research/action/speaking-of-psychology/ghosting.

Gould, Wendy Rose. “What Is Ghosting?” Verywell Mind, Verywell Mind, 14 Sept. 2020, https://www.verywellmind.com/what-is-ghosting-5071864#citation-5.

Popescu, Adam. “Why People Ghost – and How to Get over It.” The New York Times, The New York Times, 23 Jan. 2019, https://www.nytimes.com/2019/01/22/smarter-living/why-people-ghost-and-how-to-get-over-it.html.

Millennials romantic crisis

People who do not require the download of a dating site are fortunate. What method did you use to escape the new game? Millennium Generation (Millennials) — we are the generation who grew up with the dawn of a technologically altered planet. It all started with us, and to be honest with you, it has its perks and drawbacks. What are your thoughts? Because the preceding generation was in their maturity, it didn’t appear to matter as much to them. We were still young children with developing minds, and as a result, everything piqued our interest and made us eager to learn more. The internet technically began with us, and we were the first generation to grow up with personal computers and smartphones, according to technical standards. We witnessed the creation of social media and were the first demographic to embrace and nurture it to its current form. Hooray!

What about the romance in past generations? Our parents are fortunate to have had the opportunity to experience the joy of writing and receiving handwritten letters. Prior to sending a letter, a person would read and reread it numerous times to ensure that it was clear and accurate. How that ‘read’ must have felt, must have been incomprehensible–more like being sucked into a love novel realm, with butterflies in your stomach and smiles almost as wide as the face. How did it feel to be a member of the generation that came before us (the Baby Boomers)? Because of the power of imagination, we may be able to relive your stories in our minds for some time as we long for the things that escaped us.

How that ‘read’ must have felt, must have been incomprehensible–more like being sucked into a love novel realm…

Why don’t we discuss letter writing for a moment? According to a national study conducted by Janning in 2014, 88 percent of respondents keep their old love letters. Women are more likely than males to save love letters, according to Janning, who believes that this supports the premise that women are typically the “kinship keepers” in their families. Men, on the other hand, return to their letters more frequently. “Men are also more inclined than women to keep them in visible areas, such as on their bulletin boards or on top of their wardrobes,” Janning explained further. “It could be seen as a desire to keep prizes or as a desire to be more sentimental.” (We Might Be the Last Generation of Letter Writers • A Conversation with Sociologist Michelle Janning — handwritten) A handwritten letter carries a great deal of significance. Making the switch from texting to writing can have a significant impact for a variety of reasons. Handwritten letters are significantly more personal and intimate than typed letters, and they express a lot more intimate message. Throughout history, handwritten letters have been kept and displayed in libraries and historical societies.

“With each stroke of the pen, the ink bleeds into the paper– a handwritten letter creates a sense of authenticity and connectedness”

Not only is letter writing too hard for us at the moment, but so is producing complete digital words and sentences. We are left with texts such as ‘K’, ‘ttyl’, ‘wyd’, ‘ngl’, ‘AFAIUI’, ‘D46?’, ‘BOSMKL’, and so on and so forth. Around 1500 slang Short message abbreviations exist, with more on the way. I believe we will eventually arrive at a point where everything is written in abbreviation, to be honest–and I mean that literally. We’ve reached the stage of sloth where we can’t even write a complete word, let alone a complete statement. Perhaps busy? Regardless of how busy we are, the generations before us produced by far the greatest number of geniuses, so what exactly are we doing? playing video games, aimlessly surfing over social media, watching Netflix…? Okay, whatever you’re up to, it’s your business – but at the very least write complete sentences to someone who means a great deal to you. Do you agree with this statement? – It’s perfectly fine if you don’t. Well, If someone takes the time to write an entire page for you today, buddy, retain that somebody. That’s right, you heard correctly: keep that individual because they are definitely rare.

I do have some experience composing letters. It was unquestionably the most nourishing and soothing encounter, particularly in boarding school. I did attend boarding school for the majority of my life, and phones were not particularly permitted. Naturally, kids would smuggle them in, but they would face suspension or expulsion if detected. I recall writing handwritten letters and also receiving so many that I now have a box full of them stashed away. I’m not going to lie; when I pull them out in moments of nostalgia, they bring back fond memories. It’s as if you’ve traveled back in time and are sitting comfortably at that moment, feeling every emotion more vividly than you did then. It’s as if you’re balancing the emptiness of what you’ll never have with the fullness of what it seemed like then. It is the type of nostalgia that is not only recorded in your mind or possibly in a memory box but is also more detailed and beautifully written by hand. Considering you have children and they come across a box of lovingly handwritten letters in storage. I’m fairly certain that the concept of love will strike them differently.

Digit romance has taken over the world, bringing with it a slew of benefits and drawbacks. What about dating websites? This is the new letter writing, with a plethora of overwhelming possibilities to the point that it wreaks havoc on our mental health. The ability to communicate with anyone in the world is a stunning benefit of this technology. This leads me to the conclusion that we have so many possibilities that we no longer care as much since someone/anyone is always one click or one potential match away. You don’t have to go hunting for it; it finds you when you’re dipping chips, watching Netflix, or sipping a glass of wine — how convenient is that? Nevertheless, in the midst of that comfort, there is far too much ghosting, resulting in a significantly increased number of rejections. Rejection messes with anyone’s head, no matter who they are or what their history is. There is an adjustment period, but it still hurts differently with each individual to whom you attempt to offer a piece of yourself, and it varies according to the amount of time spent.

As it turns out, having too many options can be harmful and toxic. Barry Schwartz, a psychology professor, contends that having an endless number of options is debilitating and tiresome. We create irrational expectations and then blame ourselves for making what we perceive is the wrong choice. A surprising study involving jam proves that having more options is actually detrimental. In a supermarket, there was a display table with 24 different varieties of jam available for sampling. On another day, a display table featured only six types of jam. While the larger display drew greater attention, it was just one-tenth as likely to result in a purchase as the smaller display. (Why Having Too Many Choices Can Make You Unhappy) What about having too many options when it comes to humans? You are right; people are less inclined to be in committed relationships or even have possible dates that could develop into a true relationship owing to the lingering concept of right/wrong choice. Furthermore, when there are too many possibilities, it is incredibly difficult to distinguish between right and wrong choices.

Typically, people are far too eager to pass judgment. On top of that, during the talking stage, folks develop a complete story of someone well in advance of meeting them in person. And when they eventually meet in person, they will either confirm or deny your preconceived notions. And if otherwise, then voila — ghosting. Is anyone else fed up with the endless droning on and on? The monotony of repeating one’s self to a variety of different people is simply exhausting. While our mental health stays intact, what else is there to do but to keep trying and hope for the best?